Something has been on my mind for awhile as a navigate through the murky waters of new mommahood. It's a pop topic called "Mom shaming"
shame
(shām)
n.
1.
a. A painful emotion caused by the awareness of having done something wrong or foolish: felt shame for cheating on the exam.
b. Respect for propriety or morality: Have you no shame?
c. Psychiatry A pervasive, negative emotional state, usually originating in childhood, marked by chronic self-reproach and a sense of personal failure.
2.
a. A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy: an act that brought shame on the whole family.
b. A regrettable or unfortunate situation: "It was a shame how the place had fallen apart, with tall scorched grass and sagging gutters" (Tom Drury).
c. One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation: "I would ... Forget the shames that you have stained me with" (Shakespeare).
tr.v. shamed,
sham·ing,
shames
1.
a. To cause to feel shame: "expletives that would have shamed a stevedore" (Jeffrey Tayler).
b. To cause to feel ashamed to the point of doing something: I was shamed into making an apology.
2.
a. To bring dishonor or disgrace on: behavior that shamed him in the eyes of the community.
b. To disgrace by surpassing: wanted revenge because a rival had shamed him in the previous race.
Idioms:
put to shame
1. To cause to feel shame.
2. To outdo thoroughly; surpass: Your kindness has put the rest of us to shame.
A painful emotion? a condition of disgrace? dishonor? a sense of personal failure? Condemnation?
Why, oh, Why Sisters, do we want each other to feel any of those things?
To feel ashamed is a powerful and painful emotion. I think that is why it's such a hot topic. IT HURTS.
It hurts when the single most important, most life-changing, most all encompassing thing you have ever done is "put to shame".
We take our role as mother's seriously. Sure, it's a job if you want to call it that but really it is so much more than that.
It is who we are! We are defined by it. We take pride in it. and our kids? We would do anything in the world to protect them. We love them so fiercely that it's actually overwhelming. Sometimes they frustrate us. Sometimes we need a break and we would do anything to get away from small humans for a little bit . Sometimes we think if we have to do one more thing to satisfy the needs of this [these] little human[s] we are going to fall on the floor kicking and screaming until some one shows up with a pint of chunky monkey and then puts away all the laundry. Yet still, we miss them every second we are away from them and love them in a way that words cannot describe. We want nothing but the best for them and would do anything in the world to protect them.
So when people suggest we aren't doing the best for our kids? OUCH! That is a painful emotion. That's the worst kind of condemnation. Call me ugly but don't you call me a bad mom.
So I ask again Moms, Why?
We know personally how hard this Mom thing can be. Why would we want to make a fellow mom who loves her kid as much as you love your kid feel this icky shameful feeling?
Well, I've got some thoughts on that but that's not really what I want to deal with today. Today my thoughts are about how maybe just maybe (and please don't bite my head off) we are the ones shaming ourselves.
Now those big fat mom shamers are certainly out there and we can talk about why they do what they do another day. It may be insecurity, it may be that they think they are actually wonder woman out to save your children from certain injury/death/future serial killerness but whatever their hoighty toighty motive for making other mom's feel ashamed for their parenting choices, that's just not what's on my heart today because there is another issue that I believe we have a little more control over.
Lately I'm realizing that sometimes we are the ones subjecting our emotions to this painful feeling of shame. When we see a mom make different choices than us for their children that mom instinct kicks in and we start to analyze whether we are doing the very best for our kids.
Should I do what she is doing?? she loves her kid and she is doing "X" for him so maybe I just stop doing "Y" for my kid and do "X". Am I not a good enough mom because I'm not doing "X" ?! Why can't I do "X" for my kid? I can't afford it/my body won't allow it/It just isn't good for our family and that makes me feel ashamed because I feel like that mom thinks I should do "X"and that I'm not being the best mom I can be because I do "Y".
Now, I'm hurting and feeling alienated from all these moms doing X for their kids. I feel like they don't accept me and that they only want to talk about "X".
I feel bad about myself for doing "Y" but I'm angry that I feel bad about it because I'm doing the very best I can and I love my kids so much so why should I feel bad about it? They should feel bad for making me feel bad.
Here is what I'm trying to say. We are all different. My husband is different from your husband. My family influences are different than your family influences. My body is different from your body. My child is different from your child. My finances are different than your finances. My hopes, goals, dreams and convictions are different than yours. I could continue but you get the point. maybe we are really similar in some of those factors but the equation is going to be different every time. So the odds of you and I having all the same answers as to how we raise our kids in every single aspect aren't likely. Sure we have those moms with whom we think quite similar in regard to parenting and lifestyle choices, yet still we are going to be faced with decisions to make that may result in making different choices for my kid than what you chose for your kid. Also, sometimes they aren't choices, Sometimes (a lot of times) despite our most careful planning and most hopeful thoughts, despite our deepest longings, we are forced to do what we never planned, what we didn't read every book about and what was never part of our fantasy motherhood story.
I want to be clear that I'm not talking about any one thing. This post is not about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding. This post is not about Working moms vs. "stay at home" moms. This post is not about organic food vs. processed foods. It's not about public school vs. private school vs. homeschooling. It isn't about Sleep training vs. co-sleeping. It's not about cloth diapers vs. disposables.
It's not about home birth vs. hospital birth. It's not about C-section vs. Vaginal deliveries.
It's not about medicated vs. un-medicated births. and good gracious it's certainly not about vaxing vs. non-vaxing, seeing as I don't have "burn me at the stake" on my to-do list today.
It's about the opposite in fact. it's about eliminating the "versus" mentality.
ver·sus
ˈvərsəs,ˈvərsəz/
preposition
preposition: versus; symbol: v.; symbol: v; symbol: vs.; preposition: vs
against (especially in sports and legal use).
"Penn versus Princeton"
| synonyms: | against, facing, confronting, v., vs.; More
as opposed to, in contrast with
"it's essentially an examination of self-interest versus self-sacrifice"
|
as opposed to; in contrast to.
"weighing the pros and cons of organic versus inorganic produce"
| synonyms: | against, facing, confronting, v., vs.; More
as opposed to, in contrast with
"it's essentially an examination of self-interest versus
|
It's about my choices being about what is best for
my child, for
my family, for
my current life situation, for
my capabilities, for
my resources, my desires etc. and
not being in opposition to/against
your choices for what is best for
your child, family, situation, capabilities, resources, desires, etc.
What am I saying? I'm saying that sometimes I feel like my choice or even my capability is viewed as a judgement of what is assumed to be a contrasting choice.
I want to be able to co-sleep without feeling ashamed that I want to crush my child in his sleep and cause him to die of SIDS and embarrassed that my kid is going to never sleep by himself and will have such a terribly hard adjustment period when he goes off to college and leaves the "family bed"
I want you to be able to get your kid on a sleep schedule in his crib with feeling ashamed that you don't love him and obviously want him to throw kids in dumpsters and get expelled from kindergarten and inevitably become a serial killer when he grows up.
I want to hang out with you at the playground while my spoiled co-dependent momma's boy plays with your little serial killer. I want to tell you that I'm considering a home-birth with out you telling me I'm selfish. I want to hear about your C-Section and I won't tell you that it's because you didn't try hard enough.
I want to eat organic plums that I grew in my back yard while you lick Dorito cheese off your fingers. It's ok, I like food colored, MSG flavored GMO corn chips too.
I want to tell you about my Doula without you thinking a hired a witch doctor to attend my birth and I want you to tell me about your desire for an epidural without fear that I secretly think you might as well plan a cesarean and call it a day.
I want you to mix a bottle of formula to feed your little one without feeling like you need to explain anything to me. I won't inform you that your child might not make it past 5 feet tall and might be allergic to air and water and obviously will have a deadly nut allergy if you will let me celebrate that we made it to our 10 year anniversary of breastfeeding without a drop of poison...I mean formula.
I won't be embarrassed that my fourth grader came up and tugged on my shirt for milkies and you won't be embarrassed that your little Ted Bundy is washing down his McDonalds happy meal with mountain dew. We will of course be eating the "healthy" fast food. It's called Chik-fil-a. (The sweet tea is sweetened by the sugar fairies so there is no glycemic index and their chicken is fried in peanut oil so it's vegetarian fried chicken. Also, they put holes in the fries so the carbs drain out.)
I won't think you don't love your baby enough if you show up with a *gasp* stroller instead of wrapping him on top of your head in a 45 foot handwoven tablecloth. I have a stroller too. I have 4 of them in fact (husband dearest if you are reading this I promise 1 is about to be out and on loan and another 2... or 1 up for sale...promise.)
I want to change my kids diaper without you sticking up your nose that I just put a feces covered cloth that cost more than the shirt you're wearing in my bag and I might not wash it out for another 24...or more hours and then I'm gonna put it back on my kid even if it has orange poop stains left on it.
I won't judge you for polluting the world that your kid is going to grow up in. ( In real life I have no washer right now and have been polluting the island that I'm currently living on that has very limited landfill space with my kids non-biodegradable poop catchers for the last two months)
I want you to go back to work so that you can help provide for your family if that's what is best for all of you. It's ok if you need to put your kid in daycare. He is already going to be a serial killer as a result of your sleep training anyway, so what's the difference....(that was a joke for those of you who may not have understood the facetious nature of this segment)
I want to stay at home with my kid without you thinking I have no drive or ambition in life and my IQ is too low for an actual career and I therefore defaulted to being a mom.
I want to tell you that we have a family history of reacting to vaccines. I want to tell you that I have a gene mutation that my son could have that can cause a dangerous reaction to some ingredients in select vaccines so I am selectively choosing which vaccinations and when to give him with the support and guidance of his pediatrician.
I want you to not blacklist me for bio-terrorism and immediately leave the playground so my child doesn't infect your child with Ebola. (someone get the joke here please. Maybe I should just clarify that there isn't currently a vaccine for Ebola)
I won't evaluate your children for the autism spectrum and try to sell you essential oils to detoxify their body from the heavy metal poisoning you subjected them to. ( no really I won't. I don't even sell oils. I promise.)
I'd like to tell you that we are considering home schooling and I don't want you to think it's because we would like to raise our kids in pajamas, thwart their chance and ever being able to exhibit normal social behaviors and limit their career choices to artist or cashier.
I won't judge you for sending your kid into gang territory and I know that you will love them, blood or crypt.
I don't think your a bad mom. I don't think I'm a bad mom. I think you are a different mom with a different kid from a different family than my family.
I know that this post has quite tongue in cheek in nature but I want to say something real here.
I'm going to stop assuming or feeling like your choice is a judgement of my choice. Please know that My success with a personal goal or desire is not meant to cause you to feel "a sense of personal failure" [see definition of shame above]
I know the mom-shamers are out there but let's be careful to not shame ourselves when we see someone else succeed at something that didn't work out to be the best thing for us or do something that is not within our means or even something we have no desire to do but maybe we worry we shouldn't feel that way. Let's not judge another family for doing something differently than us. The judgement and shaming is definitely coming from both sides of the fence on many topics but it's also coming from within. So lets be informed in our choices. Let's take into account what's best for
our own families. Let's do what is in our means and not be ashamed of what's not. Let's ask for help, be open to advice but not take it as law and/or judgement if we decide not to follow it or it doesn't work out for us.
Let's listen to one another and understand that we all have different needs, different ideals, different resources, different influences and that means that in some aspects we will parent differently from one another.
Also, it's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to do something different with one kid to the next. It's ok to seek support and ask for advice. It's ok to ask me why I do what I do but please don't think I judge you if you don't want to or can't do the same.
Let's also understand that sometimes we have to operate in "survivalist" mode and not "idealist" mode and that's okay. That is totally okay. Sometimes we have to make decisions that may have no other benefit than to keep every one alive until the end of the day and then start over.
In my fantasy mom world we all get a long and we support each other. We pat each other on the back for just getting through the day. We cry with each other when things don't go so well. We rejoice with each other when good things happen even if it is not to us. We give each other advice when its asked for and we know when to shut our know it all traps. and there is coffee, lots of coffee....and chocolate.
DISCLAIMER: As always I ask the grammar police to check their badges at the door and excuse my typo's and run on sentences if need be and I ask everyone else to realize that I am just an attention deficit mom trying my best to ramble out a coherent thought while trying to keep a teething baby from scaling the wall's and hanging from the ceiling fan and eating dirt and debris off of the floor.
Much Love,
Mrs. Cuckoo
